According to twitter and the rest of the world, weight gain during pregnancy and our ability to lose it approximately two minutes after birth is a serious business. When scrolling through my news feed today two stories stood out to me. One told of poor old Kimmy K who is getting stick yet again for her pregnancy weight gain part two and, the other, of Helen Flanagan who was being celebrated for “pinging” back to her tiny post pregnancy frame. My immediate thought on seeing this insightful journalism? Bullshit. Whilst the rest of the world has bigger fish to fry, it seems we’re still all too interested in how the celebrities are doing it when it comes to post baby weight loss and, in Kim’s case, pregnancy weight gain. So, in light of this, I wanted to give you a head to toe breakdown of how a Joe Bloggs body (mine) changes after two babies (and this is 10 months on!)…
- HAIR: After having long lustrous hair during pregnancy, my hair decided to shed itself in colossal clumps. Big handfuls of the stuff. Blocking drains, covering carpets…the works. Both times after having each baby I was absolutely convinced I had alopecia. The first time my husband gently reassured me. The second time he called me an idiot and reminded me of the first time. Now I am left with a fetching brow line of new baby hair which sticks out at all angles. Such a fashion statement, it can only be weeks before Mossy’s hairdresser James Brown picks up on it
- EYES: You thought your eyes looked like piss holes in the snow when you had a bad hangover. Try sleeping approximately five full nights in ten months (not counting two years of interrupted sleep before that!), you won’t just have dark eye bags but a constant glazed, blood shot look that no amount of miracle mascara can cure
- BOOBS: Whilst I was a far cry from Pammy, I was rather proud of my 32D size (which I had for five minutes at my wedding). However, after almost 23 months of breastfeeding both babies, the puppies now have a closer resemblance to non-springy spaniels ears, and I believe it won’t be long until I can tie them in a pretty bow across my chest
- TUMMY: One of the many things my lovely mum did right was force me to attend ballet classes pretty much since the moment I could walk. I continued right into my teenage years and as a result my tummy muscles were always pretty tight. That was until I housed two children, the last one weighing in at a mere nine pounds and seven ounces. As a result, not only do I now have a few stretch marks in this area, but a delightful flabby roll of fat and excess skin. I like to tell myself that it’s still there because I need to store the excess fat for breastfeeding, and that it is of course nothing to do with the takeaways and copious amounts of wine I consume…
- FRONT BOTTOM: As I said above, my second baby was nine and a half pounds…need I say more!?
- BACK BOTTOM: Piles…inside and out
- LEGS & TOES: My thighs have always been my problem area ever since I was a teenager, and suffice to say my survival diet of coffee, wine and Dairy Milk Oreo probably isn’t helping tackle the dreaded orange peel
Now I’m sure a fair few of you are thinking. “who cares!?” Well to be honest, me a little bit actually. Would I love to have my tort tummy back again? Yes! I really would. But all in good time. It is only now I am beginning to recognise bits of my body as it was pre pregnancy, and this is 10 months later. Throughout my pregnancy, in the newborn days, and even right now, my main priority, apart from the kids, is my sanity (which at times I have to try really hard to hang onto). The reality is that when I had horrible morning sickness, what I wanted to eat was potato waffles, not lettuce leaves. And in the newborn days, all I really craved was coffee and chocolate. Right now? Wine. Whilst I do try and squeeze in the occasional floret of broccoli and glass of water, I know that the most important thing is to be kind to myself, and that doesn’t involve a strict, strategic diet to get me back in my skinny jeans. As far as I’m aware my husband still loves me like this, despite the nagging. The kids still love a cuddle even if I am a bit squidgy around the edges, and I’m sure my friends only call me fat if I do something to piss them off, hopefully not often! In short, the size 10s can wait until I get some sleep. Looking good matters, but not above my sanity, and I raise my glass to that.