For the last three and a half years, sleep has been a seriously hot topic in our house. It’s the first thing we talk about in the morning as we compete in the classic “who’s had the worse night” debate, and it’s the last thing we discuss in the evening as we place bets on which little beauty is going to get us up first. But whatever is going on in your household, you can pretty much guarantee we have all experienced the widely acknowledged 7 sod’s laws of sleep, which will have you crawling for your morning coffee and praying for gin by bedtime.
And it goes a little something like this…
- If you allow yourself to think for one single second your kid(s) will sleep through the night, they won’t. Fact. As soon that warm snuggly thought pops into your head that just maybe tonight you’ll have a full night’s uninterrupted slumber, the game is up. Has anyone investigated telepathy in toddlers!? If not, they really should.
- This also applies to naps. All the signs are there…yawning, eye rubbing, they’re Nelson’d up, belly’s full, it’s game, set and match. Nope! In exactly half an hour you’ll find your kid wailing like a wild banshee, leaving you wondering whether Alik’s finally grown some balls and dumped Louise, the cheating mare! (You don’t remember kissing Elliot my arse! LOVE Made in Chelsea)
- After an hour of torture trying to get your toddler to snuggle with you on the sofa comfortably, they fall asleep when you’re in the world’s most uncomfortable position. Pins and needles? Check! ✔ Stiff neck? Check! ✔ Bad back? Check! ✔ Dream away little one (FFS!)
- The same rule also applies to needing the toilet. Your bladder will be empty and the start of your sleep wrestling session, by the end when the little bundle is safely in the land of nod? Full to bursting, of course!
- You’re in the car, you have a spare hour and it’s roughly nap time. All the stars have aligned to let you read Grazia in relative peace and quiet, right? Think again! Old Jimmy isn’t even going to entertain the idea of napping until at least five minutes prior to you HAVING to leave the car, thus waking him up, wild and ready to go! *places Grazia back on coffee table to gather dust
- Hurricane Imogen can be blowing a bloody gale outside. The thunder claps are deafening, the window panes are rattling, you and your partner are wide awake, and your little bundle will be sleeping soundly THROUGH THE WHOLE THING! Forget yourself and flush the loo, or step on the sodding creaky floorboard outside her room? She’ll be up for hours, ready to negotiate a midnight Peppa Pig marathon. Marvellous!
- Much like the car / nap situ, your little one will fall asleep in the pram a mere five minutes from home (after his own sponsored scream-a-thon of course). But unlike the car you can push the bugaboo into the hallway – result! Cue a hot cuppa and that episode of Grey’s Anatomy you’ve been saving? Wrong! Welcome the postman / friendly neighbour / delivery driver who will knock so loudly they could wake the dead, and your tiny tyrant of course.
My advice when it comes to sleep? Think the worst! Accept that sleep is currently not your friend, but one day it will be again. And when that dreamy night or three-hour nap does finally come (and I promise it will), it’ll be the best surprise ever!
I’d love to hear and share your Sod’s laws of sleep.